The Little Girl Inside : Remembering Your Passion

So I was trying to figure out why I have a hard time blogging and it just hit me square in the face.  I'm actually scared of the fact that I am succeeding right now.  I know it sounds weird, but I think I'm truly afraid of writing it down.  Even now as I write this post, I am having writer's block.  I have goals.  I have been working slowly toward those goals.  But for the last 20 years, I have been running away from my true passion and I believe that has caused me to be afraid of success.

You see, I remember a little girl with a passion, a love.  She was so determined to accomplish her dreams that for years, she fashioned her life around success.  I can remember her seeing a poster as she walked through her middle school hallway.  That poster changed her life and set her on a path that would take her to new worlds.  For three years, she searched out ideas about how to accomplish certain tasks and was rewarded for her dedication.  After another three years of living out that dream, the tide changed.  Choices were hard and tough decisions had to be made.  Those decisions threw her onto a different path.  One that was nothing like she had imagined.  In some ways, it was a path of least resistance and it made her sad. 

In a way, I have been trying to find that young girl inside of me for these last 20 years.  It saddens me a little that I lost her along the way.  Sometimes circumstances cause us to make decisions that don't jive with our dreams.  Sometimes we make the wrong choices.  Sometimes God just wants us to take a different path.  It's hard for me to fully understand how many of my choices were God's path and how many of my choices took me away from God's path.  Regardless, I feel like I am coming full circle now.  I am trying to come back to my first love and by doing that, I am trying to align my character with God's plan.  What that means exactly is complicated.

I know that part of it is losing weight.  Not so much that act of losing as it is the act of taking care of my body.  My body is a vessel for God so how can I expect to become the woman He wants me to be if I don't take care of it.  I am trying hard to change my thinking from "I need to lose weight" to "I want to be healthy".  So far that has meant attempting to make better choices and smaller portions as well as getting up off of the couch and moving.  I have lost 27.4 pounds so far but I have so much farther to go.  I still binge eat sometimes (like tonight when I inhaled the rest of the croutons while cleaning up the dinner dishes).  I have weeks where I only exercise once a week.  But I am slowly making progress.  I have lost weight every week except for one.  I know I will get there soon.

The rest of my changes are just ways to make myself the best version of the woman I am already.  I want so badly to be proud of myself again.  I miss that little girl and want to rekindle her spirit once again.